Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A Real Worlder's welcome guide to the Real DC Part I

Dear cast,

Here are some helpful tips that your handlers at MTV probably forgot to mention.  I'm posting this for everyone's benefit; both for yourselves and to give yourselves half a chance to get along with your neighbors.

  1. Metro etiquette Part 1: Stand right, walk left.  Just the same as the left lane is the fast lane on the freeway, so it works on the Metro.  You do not want to piss off Washingtonians late for work or late for Happy Hour.
  2. Metro etiquette Part 2: Do not block the turnstiles.  If the farecard system or SmartTrip befuddle you, step to the side while you figure it out.
  3. We are loud, direct, and more than a little sarcastic.  And we don't tolerate bullshit.
  4. You're unlikely to meet any people who live in Maryland, and even less likely to meet people who live in Virginia.  Suburbanites are scurred of DC.
  5. Georgetown and George Washington University are two very different schools.  Do NOT get them confused.  Although douchebags can be found at both, GWU students are more likely to have a conscience and the ability to associate with people who are not exactly like themselves.
  6. We work hard (9-10 hours a day is common) and play even harder.  Liquor here is cheap.  And we hold our liquor well.  The people you'll see puking outside the bars in Adams Morgan are more than likely from Maryland or Virginia.  Don't be like them.
  7. Don't whine about our gun laws.  You're most likely to get mugged stumbling home drunk off your ass from Adams Morgan.  Having a gun on you won't help in that situation.
  8. "Taxation without representation" means that we're a fiefdom of Congress.  Yes, they really can veto any laws we pass here, even when they don't affect *their* constituents.
  9. There are plenty of great places to go outside of Northwest DC.  Examples: Eastern Market, H St. NE corridor, Haines Point.
  10. The house hopefully has an air conditioner.  Use it.  You won't last long in the summer without it.
  11. Don't bring your car.  Parking's a bitch and Metro will always get you there faster if you're moving around the city.
This is what I can think of for now.  I'm sure I or one of my co-authors can add more tips in Part II.

18 comments:

Brock N. Meeks said...

"Subrubanites are SCURRED of DC" ??

Ikey said...

As someone who grew up in MoCo I'd like to think I'm the exception to 4. I'll admit that most transplants probably know the "cool" parts of the city (H St.) better than I do. However, I've been taking the red line downtown since I was a kid visiting my mom at DOJ.

baggagecarousel4 said...

what are you, a wisconsin transplant? if you're going to talk trash about md/va, you should at least be funny about it.

laura said...

Can I just say on behalf of the residents of the H street area, we would prefer if the Real Worlders did not discover our area of town. Enough frat boys and 'woo' girls find their way over here as it is. Stay in Dupont, please!

SeanG said...

Liquor is cheap??

Maureen Benitz said...

Please please please do not encourage them to come to H St!!

Doug said...

Hear, hear, laura and Maureen!

Elizabeth said...

Actually, I think we SHOULD encourage them to go to my beloved H St. They should then be encouraged to WALK home, just to get a better sense of the city (wink, wink). They should walk up to Florida Ave, then head west through my glorious 'hood. (Tell them there is an excellent view of the Cap Bldg from North Cap!) They wouldn't survive. ;-)

Laura said...
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Garrett said...

I like number 5 the most. I wish DB's were restricted to campuses.

beaner said...

Oh, thank you thank you! for mentioning the left-right rule. I got stuck behind some escalefters today at Reagan and, ugh!
Another piece of advice, probably "Metro Etiquette, Part III": Don't dawdle. Walk like you have to get somewhere, because WE do and we don't want to get stuck behind you.
Oh, and "ME, Part IV": when you get on the metro or the bus, move back! Get out of the way of the doors so others can get on!

mfzein said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Guess Who? Not From DC! said...

you all are complete assholes. Get a life and maybe you'll find yourself not as bothered by "it".

P.S. DC has not a clue. (wink, wink).

andrew said...

You come of as the typical DC transplant. Id say youre most likely from rural PA and your parents sent you to GW to get a second rate education at an absurd price. Welcome to the area! Douchebag.

Braving the Arirang said...

um, I totally take offense to this (slightly)... I am a Marylander and can hold my liquor and am DEFINITELY not "scurred" of DC...

Especially since at age 16 I was taking the Navy Yard metro stop at 11 pm wearing a Hello Kitty backpack and hot pink UFOs to make my way to Nation by myself. =P

Nerdette said...

@Braving The Arirang

Aris, myself and a few other contributors are all local yokels and grew up in the DC Metro area, so I wouldn't get too bent out of shape. :)

Anonymous said...

Andrew has decided to show his ass by indignantly commenting to my previous post. which i knew he would. Well here let me show mine as well, shall I? you seem like some 18 year old that still sucks on his mother breast. Grow up, for the sake of your country. I will have you know that i am a highly educated individual. I have receive 5 degrees from a university that you will only ever have the pleasure of wearing its t-shirt, for after all you are a simple DCist. While still i am under the age of 23. You refer to me as a DC transplant? technically aren't all Americans "transplants"? quite frankly she is young with respect to the greater world history. Please for the betterment of your site, "your DC", DO NOT continue to allow ignorant idiots such as this ANDREW boy which has so flawlessly exemplified. I believe that you are only intimidated by these "DC transplants". Why you ask? it may be because these "DC transplants", especially and importantly I, are individual with greater intellect than yourself or greater than DCist? or could it be that these "DC transplants" (which really should be capitalized and given respect as a title, but i will leave it as such for the sake of simplicity)maybe better equip to handle a city that you seem to barely get by in. Mind you,these "DC transplants", may or may not be indigenous to this beautiful country called America. You really have it easy here, i don't know how most of you manage to sit around all day blogging your lives away when there are more pressing matter to attend to. In other countries people are dieing, fighting, and praying to live while people like this ANDREW sit at their computers or cell phone wasting what others could only wish for. So with that said this is the last time i will comment on this blog, regardless of how selfish the assault maybe. Thank You ANDREW and many others like him for showing the world what this nation is all about and doing nothing but removing most if not all doubt. Hope to see some of you around! With all do respect.
~(Guess Who? Not From DC!)~

Anonymous said...

HEY BEANER!!, walk the fuck around that person. You lazy BITCH!!! its simple. Oh let me try - New rule, maybe Bullshit Hand Book or Whatever Part : SHUT UP and STOP BITCHING. OMG!!! DC is great but its LOCALS are fucking dumb/retarded. Any monkey has the common logic or mental fucking capacity enough to know to move around something that is obstructing its traffic!!!!! BEANER is probably some fat bitch and of course would "Walk like she had to get somewhere" like to a cheeseburger joint. NEW RULE: Get a new agenda- Help someone besides yourself get to that burger, last i checked Micky D's was cemented to the earth and its not going anywhere. STOP!!! bitching about shit that doesn't matter and do something productive with you dumb ass time like helping the USA lessen its Obesity statistics you fat, crazy, simple, little/big BITCH!!! Geez. I really hate all of you. With the utmost passion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!