Monday, June 8, 2009

This is NOT a Drill: The Coming Real World Apocalypse

I am going to show you how TRWDC is poised to just utterly destroy an average Wednesday night here in Washington...I will do this in timeline form:

6:15: I arrive at typical South DuPont bar after a long day working for [REDACTED]

6:17 I order Vodka Soda number one, my friends are running a smidge late as usual, leaving me to drink at the bar by myself.

6:22 I order Vodka Soda number two

6:28 [Redacted] walks into bar and we start comparing day-war stories

6:32 I order Vodka Soda number three and walk outside for a cigarette

6:34 I light some girls cigarette outside and make a joke. She laughs.

6:39 I walk back inside and see that [Redacted] has been joined by [Redacted] We talk for a few minutes about how happy we are that Obama is President,

6:42 I order Vodka Soda number four

6:45 It finally dawns on me that cute girl from outside is sitting next to me. I turn and order her a drink

6:50 We are outside smoking a cig....I've had just enough vodka that I'm finally loose, we're having a good time, I'm starting to get excited

6:55 We go back inside and the [Redacteds] and I are talking about people we know

7:00 I order Vodka Soda number five

I've got some tolerance but now I'm starting to get tipsy...5 in and while the girl sitting next to me is talking with her friend, I decide to barge in and make a play for her number before I get TOO drunk.

7:15 I still have her laughing, this is a rare and wonderful feat for me. I order Vodka Soda number six

7:20 I don't notice, but advance guys have just walked into the place and are scoping out a table in the back.

7:30 Girl and I do a shot of Jager...I love Jager, unfortunately I always seem to take the shot when I least need it...or maybe thats every shot of Jager and I just never learn.

7:45 Girl is totally into me and the [Redacteds] have completely melted away into the background noise of the bar. I'm thinking about whether my room is clean, do I have condoms, is my roommate home.....

7:50 Girl looks towards the door and her eyes go big, an open smile then the words, "WOW this is SO exciting!!! XXX from the Real World and some cameras just walked in!!!!!!"

7:51 Jager hits me...as does the power and excitement of her words. I decide to resort to snarko-terrorism to get me out of this mess.

7:52 I say to girl, "Wow, thats awesome, last time I've seen a bar go from zero to Douchebag in under 20 seconds, I was in college."

7:52:30 Polite laugh by girl while she continues looking over my shoulder.

7:53 I order Vodka Soda number seven, I say to her, "Oh come on, you can't possibly be into that show...it lost its edge like 10 years ago."

7:54 she looks at me and says, "Actually I've always been a big fan of the show, since I started watching it when they went to Las Vegas"

7:55 I am really kinda drunk right now and I can't remember when they were in Vegas, was it, 2002? 2003? Good GOD how OLD is this girl....I ask her to show me her ID

7:56 She looks at me as though I'm a creep...which would be kinda accurate, it dawns on me she was probably fucking 16 when they were in Vegas, this both sickens me, and makes me smile

7:57 I hear the hush whispers of the [Redacteds] making fun of me while I completely strike out with this girl.

8:00 Douchbag producer walks up to girl I was talking to and hands her a release form. He tells her that Douchbag TRWDC star would love to meet her and have a few drinks with her. She smiles, looks at me, frowns, and then walks over to the TRWDC table.

8:03 I order Vodka Soda number eight, look over at my friends...they can barely contain their laughter...I let out a profane streak of cusses, pay my tab and leave. I flick off the TRW crew on the way out and think about walking up the street to piss on the house. I err on the side of keeping myself out of the drunk tank, and by consequence my job, thow myself into a cab and then make my way back to my downtown "zone 1" neighborhood.

Friends...this is the inevitable fate we have to look forward to.

4 comments:

neena said...

I think you're my new hero.

kindalikepuck said...

You'll get over it...trust me

i hate said...

Good luck with your blog. Real World sucks. However, you suck no less. Thanks for the honesty in your story, but seriously, you sound like you belong on the show. Grow up soon before it's too late.

Redhead said...

Isn't that a red flag for girls - signing a release before having a drink with someone? jeesh.