Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Three words: Career Limiting Move

You want to know why any reality TV show is doomed to failure in this town? Because it's hard to out-DC DC.

Because DC is a 24/7 around the clock kabuki theater show. As in vaudeville. Street theater. Showbiz for ugly people. High drag of the dragadociously draggy drag. Constructed, groomed, measured, orchestrated and often contrived and manufactured. But I'm not jaded. And before you jump on me for being a hater, let me tell you something - I'm a DC native - I've paid my dues - and I'm still schelping around. And I don't place judgement on it. Just calling it like it is.

The group I worry about the most are the Interns, and by association, those Real Worlders. Don't the producers make the RWers do internships between the time when they're fornicating, binge drinking and fussing like toddlers?

As a cautionary gesture, I wanted to share a list of famous Intern Scandals, or as I think of it, Massive Career Limiting Moves. Most of these scandals involve the internet, ALL of them involve sex, and none of them end happily. And just to be sporting, I made sure the list was bipartisan. Much like herpes and stupidity, scandal isn't partial to one party. Also, for those that really want to kill time, Wikipedia has a nice running tally of political sex scandals.

#5: The Tripplehorny Email
A (sadly) bipolar ego-maniac sends a long, bitchy email to his ex-girlfriend, only to have it circulate the entire internet in 10 seconds. This story has a sad ending, as the offender committed suicide last year. Moral of the story is: do what us old-hands do, and pick up a phone to bitch people out. No email, no finger prints. Use a text message if you really have to (harder to forward.)

#4: The Congressional Fratitude of John Sweeney
John Sweeney was running for reelection in upstate NY and decided it would be a really great idea to go to a frat party at a local college right before losing his race. Sweeney ends up not only getting a DUI, but also is charged with spousal abuse, among other things. Yeah, a real charmer. While this scandal technically happened in upstate NY and not DC, it did involve a requisite 24-year old woman in his lap. Ladies of Real World (and DC at large) I don't care how crowded a car is or what committee he says he sits on - DO NOT SIT ON HIS LAP.

#3: Whoops I Did It Again in FL-16
I don't know what is in the drinking water in that district, but nobody can keep it in their pants. Mark Foley (R) gets ousted for IM'ing minors (among other things), only to be replaced by Tim Mahoney (D) who is boffing a mistress and a staffer. On second thought, this scandal doesn't really involve interns, but whatever. It's thematic.

#2: Washingtonienne Gets Wonked
Jessica Cutler blogs about all the sex she has for money, and then parlays that into a book deal, a potential TV series and hooks a lawyer husband. Her story was also how I was introduced to Wonkette in 2004. If you have to commit a major career limiting move, please follow Jessica's pathetic path. Her tell-all book, by the way, is more poorly written than those bodice-ripper paperbacks you see unhappy woman buy in grocery stores.

#1: Stay Away From Cigars
Monica Lewinsky. If I have to explain this one, you have clearly lived under a rock for the last 12 years. On the flip side, since performing internly duties for the Leader of the Free World, Lewinsky has had a very successful career making tacky handbags and getting a meaningless degree from some British school. So, you know. You could do worse.

Bottom line - just keep it in your pants, people. Or away from your mouths or whatever.

I hope the Real Worlders (and the producers that should be minding them) manage to not fuck it up, literally.

But you know, if they do, we'll read about it.

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